Gifts and Challenges

I needed to take a shower.  So I got G settled with a movie, going through the typical drill before I turned on the television, making sure I had his full attention.

Me:  G, I’m going upstairs to take a shower while you watch a movie, ok?

G:  OK

Me:  If you need something, where will I be?
G:  In the shower

Me:  So if you need something, what will you have to do?

G:  Go to the bathroom to find you.

I take a lightning fast shower and towel my hair to stop it from dripping.  When I remove the towel from my ears I hear the melodious shrieks of my beloved son, “I SAID CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!”

I rush downstairs to find him completely freaking out because he can’t get the stopper out of his piggy bank.  He used his words to ask for help (progress!) but it never occurred to him that if no one is in the same room then no one can come to his aid.  And the reminders that he needs to find me have clearly not worked.  Again.

I help him get the stopper out of his piggy bank and we set about sorting and counting money.  We sorted everything in to piles of 20’s, 5’s (the grandparents have been sneaking cash to him again, I see) 1’s and coins.  Then I write out a series of problems so he can add up what he’s got,

Coins:

Bills:

The contrasts in this situation are so striking to me.  Autism has given him great mathematical ability.  At 5 1/2 years old, he can add columns of numbers, some with decimal points.  On the other hand, autism has also taken the common sense most people don’t think twice about.  He doesn’t have the basic ability to find someone when he needs help.  We’re working hard to help him develop this skill, as I believe it is the root of his behavior problems at school.  He gets into a sticky social situation, gets frustrated, and instead of asking a teacher to help he strikes out at the other child.  I wish I knew what to call this so I could research solutions.  Anyone know?  Would this be called theory of mind?

Fun Day!

We had such a fun day today!  We live in a small town with no chain stores and just a market vs a large grocery store.  So once every month or two we trek to a larger town about 1.5 hours away and load up on bulk sized necessities like dog food and powdered coffee creamer.  (I freakin love powdered coffee creamer)  Sometimes this trip can be a nightmare with G.  I would imagine this would not be a fun day for any kid, really, but it can be particularly hard if G decides he doesn’t want to participate.  But we have to go, and one parent attempting this trip alone would be pretty difficult, so we just grit our teeth and go with it.  Over time, we’ve developed a system and a rhythm to these days and it is getting much easier.

For example, today we needed to go to Tar.get, JCPen.neys, Pet.co and the grocery store.  We let G know well in advance what we needed to get from each store and told him the order in which we’d be visiting the stores.  We hit the first 3 and got what we needed, including a new leapster game from Tar.get for the ride home and got lunch at G’s favorite pizza/pasta place.  Then because we got most of our chores done we got our reward – bowling!  It was such a fun hour.  The place was packed with families and birthday parties but none of the ambient noise seemed to bother G.  He loves bowling so he was very focused on what he was doing and would get so excited whenever he saw anyone get a strike.  It was hilarious! 

After bowling we wrapped up our day with the grocery shopping and G got his new game for the ride home.  Dh and I were remembering how difficult some of these trips were in the past.  No guarantee that it won’t be hard again if G is having an off day, but I feel like we’ve got this particular chore figured out.

Behavior Plans

It has been an eventful couple of weeks.  G is having substantial behavior problems in school both in getting physical with kids and by not complying with requests from his teacher.  We think illness is the trigger this time around.  Last week he had a really bad day then 2 days later he came down with a doozy of a cold that kept him out of school for a couple days.  This week, supposedly recovered from his cold, he had 2 bad days in a row and then at the end of the second day he started screaming that his ear was hurting.  Sure enough, he had an ear infection.  We kept him out of school another day to give the antibiotics time to kick in.

All of this prompted a meeting of the team to develop a behavior plan for G.  It was actually a very positive meeting, no one was looking at us like we were bad parents or that G is a bad kid.  The first thing is when he has a day where he seems to be out of control they’ll check him over and try to get him to identify any physical problems.  Then we worked toward developing strategies to encourage positive behavior like a token system to earn computer time.  He’ll also get tickets that say something like “I had a good day” to give us and we’ll reward him at home for an infraction-free day.  Negative consequences occur only in school so home becomes a clean slate and he can regroup for the next day.  Consequences include going to the principal’s office any time he hits (she’s nice, I’m very comfortable with this) and sitting out of group activities in an unstimulating way until he’s willing to participate and cooperate.  Unstimulating because  last week they had him sit out in a corner that had a large map and he occupied himself for quite awhile by identifying all the states and plotting various trips.  The map has been removed.

I googled behavior intervention plans to prepare for our meeting and wish I hadn’t.  I found all kinds of articles on seclusion rooms and abusive restraint that scared the heck out of me.  I asked what their policies on handling out of control kids are and they have a no-touching policy that I found reassuring.  I am realizing how incredibly lucky we are with our school this year.  Now if we can just get G healthy and back on track!

Peer Pressure?

We’ve had two incidents this year where a child will ask G to hurt someone else.  One was shortly after school began in the fall and the other was this week.  In both cases, G will hit the other child, “because my friend asked me to.”  He’s given similar reasons for less alarming examples, like he chases two girls at recess because they ask him to.  (I make sure he also stops when they ask him to)  We’re working hard to teach G that when a friend asks him to do something, he needs to evaluate if it is a good favor or a bad favor and if it is bad he should not comply.  I’m struggling to come up with a social story that will get the point across but for some reason I can’t come up with the words – my stories are horribly convoluted.

If anyone has any experience with this or any suggestions or has a social story that works, I welcome any advice.  I’m very concerned about this and would like to address it at the kindergarten level.  You know, before he starts stealing cars ‘because a friend asked him to.’

Just Ask

I’m a punctual person by nature and I know G does best when he is present for the beginning of any activity, he does not do as well if he has to jump in to something already in progress.  As a result, we are hardly ever late.  For anything.  Ever.

But today, we were late getting to school.  Everything was clicking along as usual this morning and the schedule was being followed properly.  Until it came time for G to put on his shoes and socks.  I usually have him put his socks on in his bedroom while he’s getting dressed.  But today I noticed he left his socks on the floor so I picked them up and brought them to the living room and reminded him to put them on.  I went about cleaning up the breakfast dishes and then looked in at him, still no socks.  And the socks were nowhere in sight.  I retrieved the socks from under the couch, used a firmer voice and told him to put them on ‘now.’   Went to collect his lunch and backpack and came back – still no socks. 

By now I was pretty frustrated.  I told him to pick up the socks, go downstairs to the shoe rack, put on the socks and put on his shoes.  G picked up the socks and went downstairs.  I figured everything was back on track and spent a minute collecting my stuff to head downstairs.  When I get there, G has his coat on and is ready to go – barefoot.  “G!  WHY DON’T YOU HAVE YOUR SOCKS AND SHOES ON YET!”

And he told me.  He had a hangnail on his big toe that was dragging on the sock and hurt.  So we took off his coat and went back upstairs to fetch a band-aid.  After that, shoes and socks went on with no problem and we were out the door.  However, it put us behind schedule and we arrived 5 minutes after the bell and had to get a tardy slip.  Fortunately, G found the process of getting the tardy slip interesting and joined his class with no problems.  And I re-learned an important lesson.  G doesn’t volunteer information without prompting.  If I want to know why G is or is not doing something, I need to ask him.

Oh, It’s Real.

Right as I posted my last chipper post, the dogs came into the room and velcroed themselves to my feet.  This is usually the signal that G is getting worked up.  Sure enough, within a minute the shrieking of a full on, full scale meltdown started.  DH took the brunt of it tonight and I played backup, only stepping in when tagged to maintain optimal calm.  We’ve done this enough that we know our roles and step into place easily.  The only difference is the point person, whomever G first escalates with is the parent-in-charge because they have the information regarding what led up to and set off the meltdown.

The aftermath of a meltdown always makes us a little introspective.  We think about what contributed to the escalation, what we could have done differently, how we handled it, and most importantly we think of how G was feeling and how we can help him avoid getting overloaded in the future.  Tonight I’m also thinking about a conversation I had at a New Years party.  My good friend was asking how things were going with G in school and I replied that things were going very well, that the services were fantastic and were really making an impact.  An acquaintance that was also part of the conversation said, “Oh that’s right, you son is… well he… that is, he’s…” 

To which I simply said,”‘He has autism.” 

 And then she kept talking.  “Oh, but not real autism.  I mean, not like full-blown autism.  So it’s not that bad.  I mean, more like just a little autism, right?  What’s that called?” 

I was stunned and did not handle it as I should have.  I’ve thought of a million things to say since but all I said at the time was, “You mean Aspergers?  Yes, he probably has aspergers and no, it’s not bad.  He’s great.”

I love my son with my whole heart.  I wouldn’t change my life for anything, he brings wonderful gifts and insight into our lives and makes everything richer.  But I can’t minimize the challenges.  Figuring out how to be G’s parent is hard work.  It requires constant vigilance to make sure he’s doing well and not getting overwhelmed.  It involves protecting him from the things that are too difficult for him right now while developing plans to help him overcome those obstacles, so he can lead the most fulfilling life of his choosing.  It’s hard because he has autism.  Not a smidge of autism, not autism-lite, he has ‘real’ autism.  Just because he can speak doesn’t mean he’s not facing more challenges in a single day than most people face in a month.  And handling those challenges pretty spectacularly, by the way.

I don’t say this to be a martyr or to prove that my road is harder than another.  I say this because my biggest worry is that as he grows up, people won’t see that he has a disability.  They’ll see a child who is smart and can speak and judge him as having a bad attitude or being stubborn or defiant.  They’ll see a young adult who is strange or weird and deem him an easy target to bully.  Or they’ll see an adult and decide he is antisocial or mean.  I’m worried because I’ve just seen first hand that these people are out there.

Product Plug

G is easily frustrated by looking for a toy.  He often wanted a specific toy, looked for 15-30 seconds before meltdown ensued.  We were able to teach him to ask for help when he felt frustrated, but this resulted in me looking for his toys all day long.  We have a new solution that is working well and I am so excited I had to share!

I just bought 2 more stackable storage units from companykids.com, bringing our total up to 6.  This product has been a sanity saver.  See the mint green bins on the left side of the photo - that’s what they look like.  (except mine are honey colored wood)

The great thing is each compartment is not too big, so toys don’t often get lost underneath a large pile.  And they’re open so G is able to scan and find what he’s looking for relatively easily.  Prior to this, I had a toybox with a lid and if the box was already open, he’d peek in but not sort around for what he wanted.  If the lid was closed, it never occurred to him to open it before he hit his frustration threshold. 

I currently have 4 bins stacked 2 high (and can’t wait for the 2 new bins to arrive) and they line one wall of our playroom.  I’ve used duct tape to label each compartment and teaching him to put his toys away in the proper bin has been really easy.  We have bins for legos, blocks, board games, other games (without boards), balls, music, books and one bin for misc.  I still have to verbally direct him to pick up each item and ask him in which bin it should be placed, but any parenting I can do from the couch is welcome.  heh heh  It is also helping him find what he’s looking for because I can direct him to the correct bin when he asks for help.  He’s even stuck a hand in to swish the toys around upon being prompted.  It soothes my organized soul while helping G learn some basic executive functioning skills.  I give it 2 thumbs up!