Holiday Celebrations

Yesterday was the last day of school before the holiday break.  On the schedule were 3 hours of regular class time, then a holiday party and then the remainder of the afternoon the kids watched a movie.  In years past, we’ve kept G home on days like this, preferring to start our holiday break a day early rather than subjecting him to the confusion of not following the expected routine.  This year, G has shown signs of being able to roll with changes a bit better and has a teacher that thrives on consistency almost as much as G.  They’re a really good fit, and after discussing the day and G’s history of behavior with her we decided to send G to school to see how it would go.

G’s teacher (who I simply adore) did a couple of extra things to help G with the day.  G has a bit of a crush and will often specifically ask to wear a green shirt to school, because green is Ms B’s favorite color.  Ms B in return will point out when she is wearing a red shirt, which is G’s favorite color.  G has a green striped shirt he particularly likes to wear because it is just like a striped sweater Ms B owns.  So during the week, G and Ms B made plans to both wear their green striped clothing on Friday as a holiday treat.  When he arrived Friday morning, Ms B made a production of showing the other kids how she and G dressed alike.  G stood up and did a Price-Is-Right-Showgirl imitation, waving his hands at his shirt and then at Ms B’s sweater.  It was incredibly cute and included G in the festivities right from the start.

I’ve mentioned in the past that G has trouble watching movies that are age-appropriate, preferring to stick to the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer and Blues Clues.   For movie time, Ms B selected Charlie Brown’s Christmas, which is relatively suspense free, and asked G if he owned it.  When she found out he did, she asked him to bring in the movie for the class to watch.  Such a simple thing made G feel so included and really helped him get through the movie.  (the scenes where the kids make fun of Charlie Brown’s tree are hard for G to watch)

The day went really well.  G rolled with the schedule changes and had no behavioral outbursts, which is simply amazing to me.  I was expecting at the very least that he’d hit once out of frustration but he was very cheerful throughout the day.  His attitude changed the very second he got in the car and the rest of our day was challenging, to say the least.  But even that is a positive step.  ‘They’ say that kids with Aspergers often hold it together in school and then let it rip when they get home where they feel safe.  That has never been our experience.  G is more of an in-the-moment type of kid with little self-control.  But yesterday, he dealt with an incredibly frustrating day with much grace and then let his frustration out on us.  I still struggle with the public embarrassment of his behavior and would deal with his behavior myself any time rather than get reports from the principal.

I’m feeling the warmth and good cheer of the season.  If only I could maintain this feeling for the next 18 days, until school starts again.

Pretty Good Week

Last week was a pretty good one.  First, it seems the parents of the girl G touched accepted our apology.  DH said he was outside the classroom when the mom approached him.  He was shocked and had a bit of a brain freeze so he wasn’t able to provide me with much detail on the conversation.  But he did say the mom spoke with the principal, who apparently reassured her we work very hard with G, and apologized for not being ready to hear our apology initially.  That’s all I really know, but it does make me feel somewhat better that the principal is able to tell other parents how much effort we put into helping and supporting G.  Still, I wish the entire incident had never happened and we’ve been drilling G on appropriate touching rules ever since it happened.

Second, we had parent/teacher conferences last week and G is doing awesome in 2nd grade!  He’s still way ahead in math and spelling, did great on the maps and geography unit they did and scored great on reading sight words.  I thought he would still have some reading comprehension issues but scored very well there too.  He needs some prompting to start retelling  a story the way they’d like, but really very well, all things considered.  It’s really a relief that we can put all academic issues aside and focus on behavioral and organizational issues.

Finally, G’s teacher uses a traffic light behavior system and G is usually on Red one day per week.  But last week, he didn’t hit red once!  He was on yellow twice, but right now yellow is acceptable.  So we took G out to dinner to celebrate.  Not a bad week!

Separate – Better Than Equal?

Even with an aide accompanying him on the playground, recess was still a difficult time for G.  He continued to be overwhelmed and lashed out physically at kids on the playground.  So the decision was made to pull him from the general population during recess and instead have him on the other side of the school for an alternative recess.  I was sick about this.  But my general attitude is to always give things a try before making a final decision, and I firmly believe the school is doing their best for G, so I decided to let them try it.

And it is working out beyond my expectations.  G gets to choose two kids from class to attend his recess with him.  The kids are super excited to be chosen because they get to do all kinds of activities that aren’t allowed during the general recess because there are too many kids to manage them.  For example, it’s snowing here and they’ve set up a sledding run down the hill on G’s recess spot.  They don’t get to sled on the other side of the building because it would be too chaotic.  They build snowmen, draw with sidewalk chalk on nice days, and play 4 square without having to wait in line for their turn like they do on the other side.  G is easily able to handle the social requirements of 2 kids in a quiet spot and the aide is much better able to facilitate when needed because she’s able to focus.  Without prompting, G chooses two different kids each day which means he’s getting to know all his classmates.  And his teacher reports that the chosen classmates usually choose to sit with G during lunch.  Before this, G tended to sit by himself.

Despite all my reservations, this is working out well.  Because he is making friends and feeling more comfortable with his classmates, his anxiety is decreasing .  Which means his behavior has vastly improved.  Sometimes I get so focused on the goal of inclusion and acceptance by other people that I forget to take a hard look at what is best for G.  I have a tendency to want to force him into a situation that he may not be ready for.  I have to remind myself that right now, keeping his desk separate from the other kids in the class is best.  And right now, a separate recess appears to be the key to peer acceptance.

Pencil’s Are Obsolete

G has a recurring problem with behavior and defiance during spelling/handwriting time in school.  He refuses to do his daily spelling worksheet, gets angry, throws things and gets physical with the teacher.  We discussed the inappropriateness of this behavior daily and were starting to get through to him.  So instead of lashing out he started running away – out of the classroom and out of the building.  Luckily, there is a phone in every classroom so his teacher has been able to call the office and get someone to intercept him. 

Whenever I tell someone this story the first question is, “Do you think second grade is too much for him and he should go back to first?”  I cannot tell you how enraging this is.  I feel like the person is questioning my judgement as a parent.  And I’ll admit this is because deep down I am very insecure about our decision to jump him. 

The problem G has with spelling isn’t the content of the academic work.  Of the 100 words all second graders are expected to know without error by the end of the year, G knows 97 of them now.  His teacher has a great program where each child gets a weekly spelling worksheet with 8 words chosen for the individual child.  G is already working off an accelerated list and is doing well with learning to spell them.  The problem is with the writing.  While his mind is in the 2nd-3rd grade level, his handwriting is still in the moderate kindergarten range.  We try to work writing in everywhere we can and he simply refuses to cooperate.  With great effort, I can usually get him to comply at home but in school he’s taken it to extreme levels.

I’ve been very worried that we pushed him too hard when we decided to skip first grade and have been wondering if we should pull him back.  I’ve been going over and over our decision making criteria and each time I reach the same conclusion, that 2nd grade is the best fit for him.  Then he throws another tantrum and I start the cycle all over again.

I went to pick G up from school yesterday and found the Sped teacher waiting for me outside his classrooom.  These impromptu conferences are a mixed bag, sometimes good and sometimes bad, so I started feeling adrenaline rush through me.  This one turned out to be one of the good ones.   She wanted to float the idea of taking G to the resource room for spelling/writing to work with him individually but needed my approval.  She also discussed using that time to teach G keyboarding skills.  If he can pick up typing, then he can get an alphasmart assigned to him and can use it in the classroom to type out his work instead of writing it.  She also reassured me that we had made the right decision to jump G to 2nd grade.  His intellect is too advanced to sit in a 1st grade classroom without becoming bored.  Boredom causes behavior issues and they would have ended up pulling him out of the class for accelerated work, he’d miss social opportunities with his home class, which would cause more behavior issues.  Basically, they believe behavior problems are unavoidable at this point and would rather work them out in the proper academic setting for G.  I’m breathing a bit easier.

I spoke with a teacher friend of mine later that day and she said she’d had students in the past with this kind of  writing accommodation and it always worked out well.  When I asked if we weren’t giving up on teaching him to write too soon, she said the writing will come easier if we don’t try to force it.  That makes a lot of sense to me – I’ve always found that letting skills evolve with little nudges was more effective with G than trying to force it.  I just didn’t think we had the luxury of that in this situation.  I am so pleased that there may be an answer to this issue and that the school proposed the accommodation.  I’m really impressed with their desire to meet kids at their individual level rather than trying to press them into the mold of a model student.

Now we just need to teach him to type!!

Cautiously Optimistic

Back to school night seemed to go well.  We didn’t have any actual conversations with other parents because it was a madhouse, but they seemed friendly to us.  Today was a day off for parent conferences and G’s teacher let us know that she has had many positive reactions to our letter.  I asked if the situation with the parent who had specifically expressed concerns had been resolved.  She said yes, that the parent remarked that they understood better now that they had all the information and were able to talk with their child about how to handle things with G. 

So I’m feeling cautiously optimistic.  The end of last week and the beginning of this week have gone well for G.  His schedule has all the kinks worked out, he has a workable behavior plan and an aide to support him during recess.  An alternative recess is available for days he refuses to go to the general recess or is not allowed to go because of an earlier infraction.  His teacher seems to have developed a good relationship with G and understands better what sets him off and what calms him.   We’ve held off the potential of a parental mob and instead have taken the first steps toward understanding and acceptance.  And we’ve also taken the first steps toward talking to G about autism.

I feel like I’ve learned a lot from this experience, but it’s so jumbled right now I can’t put it into words.  I’m having some strong reactions to the latest video from Autism Speaks and from some comments on other blogs blowing off aspergers as trying to belong to a ‘cutsie’ club.  I’m angry about all of that, particularly in light of the last 3 weeks.  But I’m so exhausted from running, meeting, explaining and advocating for G, I just can’t deal with it all right now.  I admire the people that can fight for autism advocacy in a broad sense and make an impact on the national/global conversation.  But right now, I’ve got to keep my energry focused on my family.

Waiting and Seeing

The presentation on differences was given friday and went well.  The school psychologist started out by having the kids pair up and notices differences in each other.  They talked about physical differences, moved on to physical disabilities and what they would do to include a classmate with a physical disability.  Then she talked about the brain and differences in how people think and feel before moving onto some examples of cognitive disabilities and asked what the kids could do to include classmates in that situation.  I left right before the end because I didn’t want G to catch me there but felt very comfortable with the information that was covered.

We also wrote our introductory letter and got it to the teacher in time to be placed in the kids friday folder.  We felt like that was the most discrete way to get the letter out.  It also gives the parents the weekend to talk with their kids about differences and inclusion.  (hopefully)  We left our phone number and email address on the letter and made it clear we were available to talk with any parent that had questions or wanted to talk about G and their child, but haven’t heard anything so far.

Another big event is that we introduced the concept of Asperger’s to G via the book All Cats Have Asperger Syndrome.  We chose this book for the level of information and the cute photos of kittens.  It was a big hit with G, he giggled at the silly kittens during the first read friday night.  Tonight, I asked him what book he wanted for bedtime and he selected the cat book again.  But this time he asked what Asperger Syndrome was.  I told him it was a description of how certain peoples brain’s worked.  And then I told him AS was a description of how his brain works and that is why we bought him the book.  He seems to have accepted that at face value but it can take some time for him to fully process the information so we’ll have to wait and see.

I’m nervous about drop off/pick up tomorrow.  And I’m nervous about back to school night.  But I’m nowhere near as freaked out as I was before we did this.  Taking action really went a long way to calming me down.  I know we’ve done everything we can.  Again, I just have to wait and see.

I’m freaking out…

We got a call from the school psychologist yesterday.  G refused to go to recess with the other children.  He knows he’ll get in trouble when he hits and he knows it is hard to stop himself from hitting on the playground.  He got super anxious about the whole situation and just completely refused to go.  So his aide took him to the other side of the building, to a quiet spot of grass and they kicked a ball around.  His anxiety is also ramping up in the classroom, causing more incidents there as well, which makes the kids not like him more, which ratchets up the anxiety, which causes more hitting, etc, etc.

The other bomb she dropped is this.  One parent has concerns about the ’safety of the children’ while G is in the classroom.  So far, this is an isolated situation, but the psychologist is concerned that she’ll voice this concern to other parents and it’ll turn into a very bad situation.  So the presentation to the kids was moved up from next week to today.  G will be out of the class and I plan to attend to hear what the kids are told.  I desperately want this to work – to cut of this vicious cycle.

The principal also suggested we write the classroom parents a letter introducing ourselves and explaining G’s disability and the steps we’re taking to address the problems in the classroom.  Apparently, another family used a similar intro-letter last year and it helped a lot to foster understanding.  We’ve called that family and asked them for help.  I’ve also found a letter to teachers on the Oasis site that we’ve used to help with the language of describing autism/aspergers.  We plan to get this letter sent home no later than Monday because Tuesday is back-to-school night.  I want everyone to be informed so I can address concerns directly. 

I’m panicking.  Truly – I cried all day yesterday (not in front of G, of course) and I barely slept last night.  When I did, I had dreams of parents chasing us through the school with pitchforks and torches.  I am so incredibly grateful that the school is on our side, that they’re attacking this proactively and it isn’t me begging them for help.  I just wish this next week was already behind us.

Taking a Deep Breath

We’re done with the first week of school.  The first two days were incredibly stressful.  G bit a boy at recess the first day and on the second day there was some kind of conflict (again at recess) and he hit his teacher.  These were the big offenses but he had lots of incidents of hitting and kicking his classmates.  The third day got better – he got mad at his teacher but didn’t get physical and spent a bit of time in his ‘cooling off’ spot.  Thursday and Friday were both very good days with lots of cooperation!

My suspicion is that G acted out due to anxiety.  He has a hard time with new routines and we do everything we can to prepare him for big changes.  He was assigned the same teacher he had last year for math.  She assigned him the exact same desk he used last year.  We went the week before school began and met the new special ed teacher and visited his teacher so he could see his desk, cubby and coat hook.  We got his first day and regular weekly schedule and I used those to write up a schedule card for him to take every day.  (he prefers checklists to the more traditional picture schedule)  He studied it in the morning at breakfast before taking it to school.  He kept it on his desk and checked off each activity.  They didn’t have a recess aide for him this week, and I think this was an error as it is in his IEP, but I’m told this will be corrected shortly.

I’m going through my extensive Aspergers/Autism library and reading everything I can about anxiety, looking for new approaches.  One thing we brought back Wednesday morning is the brushing and buzzing therapy we used when G was 3.  His school usually runs a ‘motor morning’ program but they haven’t started that up yet, so we did a home version after breakfast.  G and DH did wall pushups, wheel barrow walking, jumping jacks and stretching.  I think that in combination with G becoming familiar with the school routine again helped to calm things down.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see how things go.  I’m finding a lot of material on anxiety, but not much on what to do when that anxiety manifests physically.  If you google ” Asperger’s and Hitting’ you find a lot of information about kids with Aspergers being bullied.  But what do you do when your kid with Asperger’s is the bully?

Asperger’s Books for Kids

We’ve made a decision not to tell G about his Asperger’s this summer because we didn’t want to cause or increase his anxiety about going back to school, since he’s already going to be different by skipping 1st grade.  But he is starting to notice his differences.  For example, he is really enjoying new board games like clue and scrabble – not the usual games for 6 year olds.  He wants to invite a friend over, another 6 year old, to play these fun new games with him.  So I had to explain that other kids his age may not be able to figure these games out and that if he has his friend over, he would need to be a good host and play games the friend finds fun.  He asked why his friend wouldn’t think scrabble is fun, so I attempted to explain that he is different from other 6 year olds in that some things like school and games designed for older kids are easier for him than for other 6 year olds,  while other things like imaginary games and small talk are harder.

He was quiet while he processed this information and I was able to change the subject.  But I can see that the need for full disclosure may be just around the corner.  So I’ve been collecting books for explaining Aspergers to kids.  The first book I got was  Asperger’s Huh?  A Child’s Perspective.  And I don’t like it.  It got good reviews but I feel it is written pessimistically.  The main character is a newly diagnosed 11 year old who talks about all the things he can’t do.  For example, he says kids with Aspergers don’t understand humor so they should never even try to tell a joke.  He talks about how much his mom cried at first and how he embarrassed his dad at a dinner by trying to give a toast.  It seemed to me to emphasize all the negative aspects without addressing the positive.  I don’t want to give G the perspective that Aspergers is all gifts and no challenges, but I don’t think all challenges with no gifts is ok either.

Another book I got is Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome?  A Guide for Friends and Family.  I like this one a bit better.  It has a boy, I’d guess around 8 or 9, explaining himself to the reader.  It comes off as more factual and less emotional, which I think will appeal to G.  It discusses gifts in math and computers and addresses special interests but also addresses challenges with sensory issues, motor skills and interpersonal communication.  It stays focused on the child and doesn’t go into any embarrassment or upset his parents may or may not feel.  I especially like this part because I believe anything I feel is my own issue to work through and shouldn’t be a burden placed on G.

So I plan to use the second book when we have our conversation.  But if anyone has another option, I am open to suggestions!

Taking Control

It is the last week of school where routine is disrupted in favor of special events and parties.  I was bracing for the worst, expecting oppositional behavior and bad reports from school.  But something interesting has happened…

G has always eaten the exact same thing for lunch.  A cheese quesadilla made on whole wheat tortillas, a fruit, carrot sticks, some sort of cracker like triscuits or wheat thins and a box of apple juice.  We give him choices and options but he has never deviated from his selections.  In the beginning of the school year, DH and I anticipated confusion in the lunch room.  I had visions of G accidentally getting in the hot lunch line, getting food and then getting yelled at by the lunch lady for not having money.  (not a reasonable fear on my part, but a fear nonetheless)  So we deposited $20 in a lunch account for G.  It was just-in-case money because G is so routine bound I never expected him to want anything other than his familiar meal.  And up until this last week of school, that money had never been used.

Monday, dh picked him up from school and noticed his lunchbox was particularly heavy.  He opened it to find it untouched.  Worried that G went without a meal for some reason, we started quizzing him to find out what went wrong.  Turns out, nothing was wrong.  He simply decided the lunch menu sounded good that day.   (they were serving quesadillas)  He raised his hand for the hot-lunch count taken every morning and stuck with that decision, getting his lunch by standing in line with the rest of the hot lunch children, eating everything he was served and properly disposing of his trash.

The rest of this week, he has asked us to look up the menu and let him know what was to be served.  He then made a choice based on how many items on the menu he liked and disliked.  He chose hot-lunch again on Tuesday and Wednesday but decided he wanted us to send him with his lunchbox today.

I’m also noticing that his behavior has been much better this week, as compared to last year at this time and the weeks before and after christmas break and spring break.  I really think G establishing this bit of control all on his own has made a huge difference in helping him navigate a disrupted schedule.  I’m so proud of my boy, he’s becoming such a little man now.  I’m also trying to figure out how I can leverage this idea and use it next year during transition periods.