Writers Block

I feel a bit frozen.  It’s hard for me to come up with topics to write about right now.  Part of it is that G has started summer break and we’re having an unscheduled couple of weeks before his first activity begins so time has been short. 

The larger part is that I’ve been worrying that I make too big a deal of G’s autism.   I had an encounter with another mom of an autistic boy in G’s grade.  I was pretty excited to meet her because we see each other at school events often and I thought it would be great to know each other.  We chatted for a few moments and started comparing notes, and I told her that G has Aspergers.  Her attitude quickly changed.  She asked me if that was formally diagnosed and I told her no, we didn’t have a medical diagnosis because we’re concerned for our insurance coverage, but we’d gotten the ADOS and GADS done by the school district’s autism specialist and were confident Aspergers was correct.  She replied that her son was autistic (the stress on the word was hers) and walked away soon after.

I was pretty crushed.  We still don’t know a lot of people in our town and I was really looking forward to this introduction.  Now I’m second guessing everything I said to figure out if/how I offended her.  Did she think I was trying to downplay autism and not accept that my son is autistic by saying he has Aspergers?  Or did she think that I was making too big a deal of my son being ’special needs’ and not understanding what classic autism is?  Like I will never understand what she’s going through?  

And I find myself wondering if I really belong in the communities I’m trying to join.  Maybe the special needs parent group in the next town isn’t the right fit for me.  G really is doing quite well, maybe I should not join and leave room for someone with more severe needs for support.  Maybe my bloging is more whining and an exercise in martyrdom and is better left alone. 

I’m not looking for strokes with this post.   I really am just trying to work through my thoughts.  I’m feeling incredibly insecure lately and am trying to figure out how to advocate for G without overplaying my hand and looking like I’m seeking pity and attention for myself.

Taking Control

It is the last week of school where routine is disrupted in favor of special events and parties.  I was bracing for the worst, expecting oppositional behavior and bad reports from school.  But something interesting has happened…

G has always eaten the exact same thing for lunch.  A cheese quesadilla made on whole wheat tortillas, a fruit, carrot sticks, some sort of cracker like triscuits or wheat thins and a box of apple juice.  We give him choices and options but he has never deviated from his selections.  In the beginning of the school year, DH and I anticipated confusion in the lunch room.  I had visions of G accidentally getting in the hot lunch line, getting food and then getting yelled at by the lunch lady for not having money.  (not a reasonable fear on my part, but a fear nonetheless)  So we deposited $20 in a lunch account for G.  It was just-in-case money because G is so routine bound I never expected him to want anything other than his familiar meal.  And up until this last week of school, that money had never been used.

Monday, dh picked him up from school and noticed his lunchbox was particularly heavy.  He opened it to find it untouched.  Worried that G went without a meal for some reason, we started quizzing him to find out what went wrong.  Turns out, nothing was wrong.  He simply decided the lunch menu sounded good that day.   (they were serving quesadillas)  He raised his hand for the hot-lunch count taken every morning and stuck with that decision, getting his lunch by standing in line with the rest of the hot lunch children, eating everything he was served and properly disposing of his trash.

The rest of this week, he has asked us to look up the menu and let him know what was to be served.  He then made a choice based on how many items on the menu he liked and disliked.  He chose hot-lunch again on Tuesday and Wednesday but decided he wanted us to send him with his lunchbox today.

I’m also noticing that his behavior has been much better this week, as compared to last year at this time and the weeks before and after christmas break and spring break.  I really think G establishing this bit of control all on his own has made a huge difference in helping him navigate a disrupted schedule.  I’m so proud of my boy, he’s becoming such a little man now.  I’m also trying to figure out how I can leverage this idea and use it next year during transition periods.

Too Much Bragging

When I say we’re telling anyone who will listen that G is jumping to 2nd grade, I’m really not exaggerating.  G is sensitive to over-exuberance and if we compliment to enthusiastically he’ll reject all praise and refuse to do anything further.  So we’ve been careful to tell people factually and calmly but are still telling all our friends and family.  The other day, DH was on the phone with buddy and took the opportunity to tell him about G skipping 1st grade.  G was in the next room and apparently heard the conversation.  When DH hung up, G came in and announced he would not be going to 2nd grade.  Because they write in cursive and he doesn’t know cursive.  So he will never ever ever go to 2nd grade, he will only go to first.

We attempted to explain that the 2nd graders know cursive now because they’ve been learning it all year.  They didn’t know how to write in cursive when they first started the year.  And G didn’t realize that because he started joining the 2nd graders for math sometime after the winter break.  But that didn’t ease his anxiety and he still says he doesn’t want to go.

I’m sure this will pass.  I was able to find out  through the grapevine that next year, G will have the same teacher he’s been going to for math.  (don’t tell anyone I already know – it’s a secret)  This will go a long way toward making him comfortable.  In fact, I’m willing to bet he’ll be the most comfortable kid on the first day of school because he’ll know where everything is already.  DH and I just need to take note of the potential for anxiety and ease up on the bragging this summer. 

It’s interesting – we tend to downplay G’s challenges IRL.  We say he’s  sensitive to noise or changes in routine.  We’ll tell friends G got ‘upset’ when he really had a full-strength meltdown.  We tell people “that won’t work for G” when they’re planning too many high-energy activities in one time period without any time for sensory breaks.  This is just another example of our need to be understated.  I want to jump up and down when talking about how smart G is.  Instead, I need to channel my inner upper-crust Brit and instead simply say, “well done, chap.”

If You Know One Autistic Person…

G’s school had a spring concert, where each grade sang 3 or 4 songs.  The music teacher asked for volunteers for each grade to sit with them in a classroom until it was their turn to go on, to walk them on and off stage, and generally attempt to keep order.  I always try to volunteer for these kinds of things so that I can help keep an eye on G, since he has trouble with unstructured times.  I drafted DH to come along and help me out.

The time before the kindergartners went on stage was pure chaos.  The first graders were also in the same room and the noise level was very high.  The volunteers and teachers present would get the kids to quiet down for only a few seconds before it got loud again.  There was a video going in the front of the room but the kids ignored it in favor of acting like monkeys on speed.

Instead of trying to keep order from the front of the group, I decided to sit in the midst of the kids so I could be next to G.  I was able to catch his hand whenever he started to hit, keep him focused and from getting out of control.  He was sitting next to some kids he knew from the morning movement break the school organizes which made me suspect some of them were on the spectrum or had other issues that make movement breaks helpful.  One boy was holding on to a tiny flashlight like a talisman and was getting visibly upset.  I asked if he was doing ok and he told me it was too loud.  So I asked if he wanted me to cover his ears, as this is something that helps my G.  He nodded tearily and climbed into my lap while I pressed my hands to his ears.  After a few minutes he was calm again, climbed out of my lap and asked me to fix his flashlight as the lightbulb was loose.

Then the kindergartners needed to line up to get on stage.  I was in the back of the line with G and another little boy, Q, who I know for sure is on the spectrum.  He and G go to the speech therapist together and their particular sensitivities often conflict.  With all the noise, they were both getting edgy and starting to fight with each other, so I sent G up to the front of the line where DH was stationed because Q wouldn’t let me lead him away.  I realized Q wanted to stay in the back of the line where he could flick the light switch on and off which was disruptive to the remaining 1st graders, causing them to shriek every time.  I was able to distract him for a few minutes at a time before he went back to the switch.  Another parent came up and stood in front of the light switch which upset the boy and he started pushing at her body and pulling at her clothes.  She looked at me in a commiserating way like he was just being a brat but I ignored her.  With G, I might quickly explain about autism but this wasn’t my child so it wasn’t my place to ‘out’ him.  I finally got him to hold my hand and stand away from the switch. 

He started flicking at the ends of my hair so I bent my head to make my hair more accessible.  Then he started pulling at it – hard.  I got him to hold my hand again and tried to lead him out into the hallway where the other children had moved but he dug in his heels and started yelling for me to stop touching him.  I let go immediately and crouched down to try speaking softly and soothingly but it was so darn loud in the room that it was impossible.  I really felt like I was on the edge of losing control of the situation and felt like I was just making this boy feel worse instead of helping him.  Finally, the kindergarten line started moving down the hallway to go on stage and Q followed along without any direction from me. 

I felt, and still feel, bad about the situation.  I had the best intentions but I’m not sure how much I helped or how much I hurt.  I made absolutely sure not to physically direct the boy the way I might direct my G by holding his shoulders and guiding him from the room, as I felt this would be inappropriate with a child other than my own.  But I didn’t know this boy’s tricks and triggers so I was ineffective in keeping him calm.  For example, maybe I should have tried to coax Q into an empty classroom where he could flick the switch as much as he needed.  I realize now that because I read so many books and blogs, I erroneously thought I knew what I was doing.  It makes me much more sympathetic to the special ed team G works with.  It must be so hard to learn each child’s idiosyncrasies each year!  Because the cliche is true – if you know one person with autism, you only know one person with autism.

SmartyPants!

G’s IEP was a dream meeting.  The whole team was smiling and giggling secretively as they told us they had ‘exciting news’ to share.  We had approved a round of cognitive testing earlier in the month and started getting into the results.  They handed us a graphical representation of a bell curve and started highlighting where G fell for various categories.  99% here, 99.6% there, “90% here, but he was in an opposite mood that day,” they said apologetically.  They further apologized that they couldn’t give him the test designed for 6 year olds because they weren’t allowed to, being that he’s 5 1/2, so he never hit the ceiling.  I learned the ceiling is defined as 4 missed answers in a row, thereby ending that section of the test.

I felt like I was in an alternate reality.  We weren’t discussing aggression issues?  Opposition to teachers?  What about social skill deficits?  Problems relating to peers at an age-appropriate level?

Then they dropped the big bomb.  They recommended G skip 1st grade next year and instead advance to grade 2.  Admin approval had already been received, they only needed a decision from us.  We spent the rest of the meeting discussing the pros and cons.  G’s teachers report he has been much better behaved since they started pulling him out for classes with the 1st and 2nd graders.  Challenging his mind seems to focus his body and attitude.  He attends a 2nd grade recess after his math class and gets along well with the big kids.  He rarely gets into the same physical altercations he routinely experiences at kindergarten recess.  He’s a big kid so there’s no noticeable size difference between him and the current 2nd graders.  He might just be among the taller kids in next year’s second grade class.  Being in the 2nd grade class would provide a more stable routine, as he wouldn’t be pulled out for advanced work as often.  If he did still qualify for gifted classes, he’d go with the other gifted 2nd graders so it would be the same peer group.

I was worried about his weak social skills and brought up many questions.  But it seems that he does better among the older kids.  One theory is that they model more advanced skills for him to emulate.  They had a list of accomodations ready to go, including having aides present during unstructured times like on the playground, having extra movement breaks built into his day, and accomodations for writing assignments, as his handwriting skills are on the mid to low end of age-appropriate.

We slept on it, but decided this is too good to pass up.  Our little G will be going into second grade next year.  We better accelerate our college savings plans!

Liar Liar

The other day I was asking G about a boy in his class, who has been friends with G since the beginning of the year.  I was surprised when G told me T was no longer his friend, ‘because T is a liar.’  So I asked some more questions, trying to figure out what T might be lying about that was so upsetting. 

Turns out, T ‘lies’ when their teacher asks him a question and he says the wrong answer.  G is getting frustrated that his friend T doesn’t know the right answers the way he does.  So we discussed the meaning of the word and decided that a lie is when you say something that is not true with the intent to trick someone else.  If someone is asked a question in class but says the wrong answer, that is a mistake. 

I’ve been so concerned with people and classmates accepting G just the way he is, I’ve forgotten to stress that same lesson with G.

Feeling Tense

G’s having problems with defiance and behavior in school right now.  Not unexpected since he’s readjusting to school after a 2 week break.  His teacher has been staying in close communication and we’ve been discussing the issues.  Sounds great, yes?

Except I find these emails, which I requested in his IEP, really make me tense.  I feel like I should be doing something to address the issues with immediate results.  I feel the need to ‘fix the problem’ and fix it now!  I’m trying to relax and let G’s week simply happen because I think once he gets back into the routine he’ll level out.  But it is really hard.  I’m also worried about being tense and anxious and having G pick up on that, which will make a bad situation worse.  How do I handle this?  What do you do when the school contacts you with problems about your kids?

Bliss

Spring Break is officially over!  We made it! 

We had a lot of help from grandparents – DH and I even managed a short getaway to Vegas.  We returned relaxed and rested to find G in a typical state of nana-itis where he had little structure and no boundaries for the time we were gone.  Which meant he would react to the extreme whenever we had the audacity to tell him he couldn’t have easter candy before breakfast or that he had to pick up his mess on his own.  I got a little creative there, for example he deliberately tossed half a bowl of popcorn into the air and then refused to clean it up.  So I pulled out the vacuum and told him he could use it himself.  He thought it was great fun, the mess got cleaned up, everyone was happy.  All in all, it was an easier transition than the holiday break was.  But everyone was happy school started up again today!

Math – Day One

G’s first day in 2nd grade math was yesterday (teacher work day on monday) and it seemed to go well!  They said he bounced all the way up to the classroom and we very excited when he could raise his hand and answer a question.  The teacher seems well suited for G and happy to have him join her class.  She also sends home a little report page to give us a quick idea of how the class went.

I really want this to work out!  I have a couple of concerns.  First, G will be missing PE for math and PE is his most favorite class.  I worry that when the novelty of math wears off he’ll realize what he’s missing and refuse to go anymore.  Second, I’m still nervous about him going to recess after math with the 2nd graders.  He has an aide with him, and by aide I mean the school psychologist who I adore so there is no one better qualified.  But I still worry about the kids not wanting to play with him.  I’m having a hard time letting go of the mama-bear and letting him experience life with it’s ups and downs on his own.  On his own with his aide, that is. 

G did word problems yesterday.  Amazing word problems for a kindergartner.  Like “G bought 2 strips of 10 balloon stickers and 4 teddy bear stickers, then bought 3 strips of 5 star stickers and 2 rainbow stickers.  How many stickers does G have?”  I am so impressed with him and so proud I’m bragging about him all over town.  And the internet.  lol

Bursting With Pride

G’s team has formally tested his math proficiency and has decided to have him take math class with the 2nd graders.  He actually hit the proficient mark for 3rd grade math but the year is mostly over so he’d have to catch up a bit to go to math there.  The second grade teacher is familiar with G and is very excited to have him join her class.  I am beyond thrilled!!

Taking math with the 2nd grade class means he’d miss recess with the kindergarteners.  Recess is important for him so they’ve decided he should go to recess with the 2nd graders right after math.  He’ll have an aide with him every day to help him navigate the new social environment.  But they’re also testing a theory that the older kids established social skills might help him develop his own social skills to a more age-appropriate level.  Right now he seems to get in trouble with the other kids that have some deficiencies in this area instead of playing with the kids that would help him progress.  I am very intrigued by this idea.  Anyone have any similar experience they could share?

I love this school.  I love that they’re so willing to address G’s strengths as well as his challenges.  And so far they’ve initiated all these great ideas on their own, we haven’t had to fight for anything.  Moving to this town for this school was the best decision ever!