Back on Track

I’m feeling much better this morning.  It’s just so strange – I was fine all day yesterday, took the call regarding the diagnosis and was still fine.  Put G to bed after having read him the extra story he asked for and giving him a snuggle that he really didn’t want, (ever try to hug a cat that wants to get away?  It was like that) popped some popcorn and then settled in to watch the Presidential debate.  And then my brain completely melted down.  It was so sudden and so intense, I started crying and just couldn’t stop.  I had to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much I knew he had autism there was a small but strong part of me that wanted to be wrong. 

I know, intellectually, that challenges and struggles are a part of life and help define the person we become.  Even if G was completely average in every way, he would still have some sort of obstacle to overcome in his life.  But emotionally, I want his life to be easy and charmed.  I want all his traffic lights to turn green, I want people to litter his path with rose petals, I want him to win the powerball – every time.  I’m his mommy, how could I want anything less?

But this is what we’ve got.  We have a diagnosis that isn’t the end of the world and is in fact an important tool to understanding and parenting G effectively.  We have an aknowledgement that the difficulties we’ve been having from an educational and parenting perspective are normal – normal for G.  We have access to resources both online and IRL because I now know for sure what community to seek out for answers and advice.  We have an incredible school team that is excited to see G every day and has lots of ideas and positive energy.  We have a tight knit, loving family, both nuclear and extended, that celebrates G.  We love him just as he is, no matter what.

Published in: on September 27, 2008 at 4:26 pm  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’ve been hit by that grief wave again and again over the years, and the only way to get past the grief each time is to let it happen. When I do this, I eventually am able to float serenely on an ocean of acceptance. And, and every so often, I even find myself gleefully riding on top of the wave, where I see all the wonderful things about my sons that I wouldn’t have any other way.

  2. As my son is older now i ride the top of that wave with him all the time. 🙂

  3. Hey there. I’m sure it’s going to be a tough road with many hills and bumps to overcome. It’s only natural that you’d feel less than thrilled about it. BUt you’re right: you’ve got a great base of people who care and who have been there before you. Keep writing about your experiences, too. YOu’re helping others and it’s probably good therapy for you. I know my blog is my therapy! 🙂 Hang in there!

    Kia (Good Enough Mama)

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